A Rant… (that I'm definitely NOT sorry for, so take THAT other moms)

Okay, I have a thing.  Okay, really, I have many things, but one of them is turning out to be a big deal -- especially as I've noticed it is a thing that separates me from many other parents.  AND I'm realizing I need to be more specific because I'm not talking about all parents -- I'm talking about moms.  In all their bat-sh*t craziness and hormonal glory (myself among them, admittedly), all the moms in all the world are driving me insane with their requirements for little-kid apologies.  Holy crap, people, let it go - the children are children!

Today, I saw this about the "good" way to demand an apology from your child and thought back to forever ago when I read this about how a "good" way doesn't actually exist because forcing a child to apologize doesn't teach any of the things we want our children to learn from conflict.  I had to stop to think through my simple answers to the question, What do we want our children to learn from conflict?

When my four-year-old experiences conflict (she does from time to time, I know - shocking, right?), I have to remind myself of my goals:
I want my daughter...
-to recognize when she's broken a social norm (e.g. hurting someone's feelings)
-to recognize when some else has broken a social norm (e.g. having your own feelings hurt)
-to respond/act in a calm and non-defensive manner
-to move past conflict easily
-to be able to take in another's viewpoint
-to have an expectation of positive outcomes when addressing conflict

Telling her (on what would be, of course, my timeline, as is usually the case with parent-prompted apologies) to stand in front of the person she's "wronged" and say, "I'm sorry for (blah, blah, blahing).  That was wrong because (x, y, and, especially, z).  Next time I will (do something that will not result in you feeling icky).  Will you (and here's the best part) forgive me?" is dialogue that will absolutely NOT happen on my watch.  Why? you ask...
Here are the good parts --
YES, she's acknowledging her own behavior (the blah, blah part)
YES, she's taking on the other person's viewpoint (the x-y-z part)
YES, she's making a plan to move past the conflict (no more ickiness - that's good)
I have no issues with these things, they're great!
HOWEVER, holy-crapload-of-crappy-crap, "will you forgive me?" That's nonsensical for a preschooler to ask OR answer.  Will you forgive me?  Think about all the things a preschooler does in a day that could prompt a parent-apology requirement: yells, takes things, runs away, says something grumpy to a younger (probably even grumpier) sibling… and the possibility of forgiveness has to be asked?  In the life of a four-year-old in our house, that is a given.  You will always be forgiven because, guess what, you're still figuring life out.  It is your job to try on different attitudes and actions.  In all of your sweet, sweet, ignorance, you're still putting research behind your latest hypothesis: "If I take that toy from my sister when mom's out of the room, then I'll get to keep that toy, because her screams can't be heard if mom's out of sight!" I am thinking, good job, little scientist, for taking that data, because now you know, I CAN hear the yelling, I WILL mitigate, AND your sister just put data behind her latest prediction: "If I scream once mom leaves, then she'll assume my sister did something wrong and give me some attention!" (Notice, it's really a lose-lose for you, mom, because you'll never know what really happened!  Just take a deep breath and eat the chocolate you've hidden on top of the fridge.)  I will not be teaching my child at four years old that the people she's surrounded by might not forgive her for testing out her ideas.

If mom is always around to tell you to apologize when you've made a mistake, you're learning that an apology is a script, not an action.  You're learning that an apology is something you have to do, not something you'll feel relieved by doing.  You're learning that you must say something immediately.  Real life isn't like that.  As adults, we get heated, we take a break, we wrestle with conflict and vent about it.  Ultimately, we take complicated feelings and we boil them down into what is either an apology, clarification, or something else entirely.  Sometimes I'll revisit conflict with a peer or colleague to find that they're not ready to move forward yet.  That is okay.  It is not even a fleeting thought that this is about forgiveness for what transpired.  Why would I think that?  Conflict is never one-sided.  (And, just to be clear, I'm talking about conflict here, not things that are obviously one-sided like abuse.  I've been a victim of violent crime before - if that person had asked me to forgive him I would have said 'no' because there is no trust there.  I'm talking about conflict between people who know, trust, and care for each other in healthy ways like friends do/should.)  Suggesting that forgiveness needs to be requested and may or may not be given is such a strange idea to me.  Forgiveness is not for one person to distribute out to others depending on his/her judgement of apology sincerity.  Forgiveness is for each individual - it's your mind, it's your peace.  If I have not forgiven someone for something, that is in my head, not theirs.

I want my daughter to grapple with the feelings of confusion around her behaviors and the responses to them.  I want her to formulate ideas about what that confusion means.  Probably most importantly, I want to be there to guide that discussion with her when she's ready.  (Why did my friend cry when I did that?  Did I do something to make her feel like crying?)  When I think about my goals for my child and I consider the ways she can talk about conflict, I believe that she is building strong peer relationships, she's learning healthy social norms, and, guess what, most of the time, she comes up with an apology of action all on her own.  When she doesn't, she has valid points -- "I did x because of y.  I didn't know what else to do/I thought this other thing would happen/etc."  It's at this point that I make some suggestions about what might work out better next time.  That's the end, no apology needed, no questioning about whether or not her behavior will be forgiven.  She didn't know what to do and she tried something.  Suggesting that she request forgiveness for trying something out plants a seed that experimenting with social interactions at four years old is unacceptable, when, in fact, that is the very thing she should be doing.

So, mothers of the world, enough with the forced apologies (and really enough with asking other people's kids to apologize to yours - don't even get me started on that one).  I am fully aware that young children can comprehend the act of an apology and, even more, that participating in the social construct can contribute to others having a positive view of you and the conflict itself; however, I do not believe that asking to be forgiven, or believing that a mistake could warrant a friend to withdrawal from a friendship is developmentally appropriate peer talk, especially at age four. I believe we should teach the skill, sure, so it can be an option (and because if you don't, the other children will think you're gaining something when you make a poor choice), but please, mothers, focus on the learning part of conflict.  Make it a conversation (try Responsive Classroom), not a go-to move to save face at the park in front of all the other moms.

...and a year later...

It's amazing that my last post was Kalae's birth story!  Amazing and not-at-all surprising.

When I was expecting, I had so many grand visions about what life with two kids would be like.  I sit here now and I can't even remember the slightest bits of any of them because as soon as life with two kids actually happened, I stopped sleeping which ceased any rational thought and memory recall all together.  In the last year, I have only slept more than three consecutive hours a total of four times.  Four instances of a three-hour-plus block of time... I... the words... I have no words... all the words are gone...  Instead of sleep, I am running on baby giggles and midnight snuggles (and of course, tears and snot because being a mommy isn't complete without those, right?).

One day I will sleep again.  I will sleep and wake up after several REM cycles feeling rested and fulfilled and eager to start the day!  It will be amazing!  I might even finish a whole cup of coffee... now I'm just being greedy :)